Legend of Zelda: Dimwit Princess
by P.T. Piranha
Summary: Twilight Princess... Only weirder. Rated T for violence.


Legend of Zelda: Dimwit Princess 

By P.T. Piranha

Link is sleeping in his house in Ordon Village. He is a successful ranch hand, a big (or at least bigger than medium) hit with the mayor's daughter, Ilia, & is the most popular among the kids. He practices swordplay with Rusl (& is good at it), which only improves his popularity. And on top of that, he was going to be the village leader one day. He was set for life. Until one day, a... Well I shouldn't say, yet. But two days before that is where this starts. Link & Rusl are sitting at a spring. Faron Spring.

Rusl: Hmm. I wonder what's on TV, right now.

Link: We don't have TVs.

Rusl: Whatever. Hey, you've never been to Hyrule, so you should go deliver the stuff in my stead.

Link: Why?

Rusl: Because you've never been to Hyrule. And mostly because I'm lazy!

Link:…

They soon leave Faron Woods (while Link drops a DS), & Link goes back to his house. A girl takes his horse, as a big guy comes.

Fado: Hey! Link! I need your help!

Link: You always need my help!

Fado: But you're my employee!

Link: Fine, let me get my h- Dude, where's my horse?!

Fado: Oh, Ilia took it.

Link goes to the spring.

Ilia: I washed Epona for you!

Link: Give me my horse back! I'll have you arrested for stealing! Now to the ranch.

Soon…

Fado: Link, you have to herd 10 goats into the barn.

Link: Better idea.

Link pulls out a cookie, & tosses it into the barn. All the goats follow, & Link closes the door.

Fado: Thanks for helping me, bud.

Link: What do you mean? I did all the work!

Fado: Don't worry, I'll mention you in my acceptance speech when I win "Ranch Guy of the Year".

Link:… I'm glad I have the day off, tomorrow.

The next morning, he hears a voice calling.

Voice: Hey! Link! Come out!

He looks out the window, & sees Malo, Talo, & Beth outside.

Link: YOU CRAZY KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN!

Talo: Nevah!

Link gets out to beat him up. But…

Talo: Did you hear that there's a slingshot at the store?

Malo: (Hmm. I must try this. This, "slingshot" of which he speaks may be of great use to me. Bwahahahaha!)

Beth: Stop daydreaming about it, & just buy it!

Talo: We don'ts gots no rupees.

Beth: Then save your allowances!

Malo: But our allowances are just a green rupee. And we have to split it between us. And we only get paid once a year.

Talo: Just lend it to us!

Beth: No!

Talo: Then just bring it to let us see it!

Malo: And if you can't do that, let's just trade families.

Beth: Shut up!

Link: (Why do I let these 3 live? Oh yeah, murder is against the law. I swear, someday I am going to change that!)

Link goes down to the village, where Jaggle talks to him.

Jaggle: Use hawk grass!

Link: No!

Jaggle: Then you shall die!

Link grabs a boulder, & throws it at Jaggle. He's knocked off the platform, & piranhas eat him. Then, a cradle drops in his hands.

Uli: Happies! You found my cradle! Here's a fishing rod! Use it to somehow get the cat back to the store!

Link: Forget that! I have meow mix tm!

The cat comes. Link picks it up, & throws it into the store, through a closed window, breaking the glass.

Sera: You got my cat back! Now you must buy the slingshot!

Link: (Come on! I have no money?! Aren't I supposed to get paid for handling the goats?!) Look! A snack cake!

Sera: IT'S MINE! ANYONE WHO TOUCHES IT DIES! WHERE IS IT?!

Link: In the lake!

Sera jumps in, & piranhas eat her. Link then steals the slingshot & a bottle, & goes back to the other kids.

Talo: You have a slingshot!

Malo: I command you to fork it over!

Link: No way, dudes! I sto- I mean bought it!

Beth: Did I hear the sound of my mother getting eaten by piranhas?

Talo: And Malo & me's dad?

Link: Uh, no. That was an illusion.

Talo: Show us how to use the slingshot, then the wooden sword you got out of nowhere!

Link: No!

A monkey shows up.

Talo: Kill!

They follow. Link approaches Colin & Epona.

Colin: If it's your day off, shouldn't it be Epona's too?

Link pushes Colin to the side, & rides Epona into Faron Woods.

Coro: Buy my lantern!

Link cuts his afro in half.

Coro: OH MY GOSH I HAVE NO REASON TO LIVE!

Coro explodes, & Link takes the lantern. He then goes along, killing everyone in sight, until he sees Talo & the monkey in a cage. Link then breaks the cage.

Link: Now hand me my wallet!

Talo: No! Now don't tell my dad what happened.

Link: He died.

Talo: Oh. That's too bad. Don't tell my mom, then.

He runs off.

Rusl: Colin told me everything! Get prepared for tomorrow.

The next day, Link is at the ranch.

Fado: Now you have to herd 20 goats.

Link: What? Wasn't there 10, the day before yesterday?

Fado: Those goats reproduce like rabbits!

Link: Better idea!

Link uses the lantern to burn all the goats. He then sweeps up the ashes, & dumps them into the trash can.

Fado: Sweet! I did it in record time! Why did you just stand there, Link? You should've helped!

Link kills Fado, then goes into town.

Mayor (Bo): Be safe, Link.

Ilia: Be safe, Epona. Hey! There's a scar! I'm going to take her to the spring! Link, until you apologize, you won't get her back, even though she's your horse.

Link: Dang it.

Link goes back to his house.

Colin: If you want to get to the spring, you'll have to get past the, "Alo Twins". They won't let me through.

Talo: You told your dad who told my mom, who yelled at us!

Malo: (When my plans are complete, I shall kill Colin & Mom! And Ronald McDonald! Oh yeah. It'll work…)

Talo: Let me have your sword, if you want to get past!

However, the sword explodes. Link just pushes them out of the way, & they get to the spring.

Ilia: Apologize!

Suddenly, some bulblins riding bullbos come, & knock everyone out! Except for Epona, who runs away. They run off, leaving Link alone. Suddenly, a black thing appears in the sky. Link wakes up.

Link: I think they went to Faron Woods.

He goes there, to see a black wall with strange markings in the way!

Link: I don't remember that being there.

A hand pulls Link in by force. In Faron Woods, the color scheme has changed, & a black thing-of-a-bob is holding Link.

Link: Let me go!

B-T-O-A-B: No!

The triforce on Link's hand glows, & the thingy runs off. Link turns into a wolf.

Link: (Dang it!)

He faints, & the thingy comes back, & drags him off. Meanwhile another thingy watches. Wolf-Link is now in a dungeon cell.

Link: (Wow. I had the strangest dream that little pink skeletons were eating my cake, then exploded. And it was really hot. Cool!)

2nd thingy: Hi! I'm Midna.

Link: (Who names their kid that?!)

Midna: Silence! I'll tell you where you are, only if you escape.

Link: (But it's so cozy in here. I like the decorations!)

Midna: TOO BAD!

Link presses the R button, & turns into paper. He goes through the bars.

Link: (Oh wait. That only works in Paper Mario 2.)

Midna gets on his back.

Midna: Now escape! And press Z when you want to talk to me!

Link: (Get off my back, woman!)

(Rim shot)

Link goes into another room, & sees a small fireball.

Midna: Press X or die!

Link: (I'd rather die.)

Midna kills him, & he reforms.

Midna:…

Link eventually makes it to an outside area.

Fireball-spirit-guard-thingy: Poor Hyrule Castle!

Link: (We're at Hyrule Castle?!)

Midna: Now go to the tower!

Link goes to the tower, & sees a cloaked figure.

Cloaky: Hies!

Cloaked Figure: Get out of here!

Cloaky: You win this round!

He jumps out the window.

Cloaky: Oh wait, I can't fly!

He falls to his death.

Cloaked figure: A guy with a pointy head & a bunch of shadow things took over. Free us!

Link: (Will I get paid?)

But the figure just hears, "Bark! Bark!".

Midna: He wants to get paid. whispering Don't pay him! 

Figure: Okay.

Midna (lying): She'll pay you.

Link: (Sweet!)

The figure reveals itself to be Zelda.

Zelda: I am Zelda.

Link: (Duh.)

Midna teleports Link back to Ordon Spring.

Midna: Get me a sword & shield from the village!

Link: (You do it!)

Midna: No way, I'm lazy! And you won't be a human again for a while.

Link: (D'oh!)

He goes into the village, & sees villagers talking.

Jaggle's ghost: Okay. I have the shield in my house.

Bo: AAAAHHH!!! GHOST!

He jumps into the lake, where piranhas eat him.

Jaggle's ghost:…

Link bursts through the door, & takes the shield.

Jaggle's ghost: I don't know why I'm saying this out loud, but the sword is in Rusl's house.

Luigi comes out of nowhere, & sucks the ghost up. He then jumps into a portal back to the Mario universe. Link then goes to Rusl's house, knocks Rusl & Uli away (Uli lands in the lake), & takes the sword. He goes back to the strange wall that's blocking the entrance to Faron Woods. Midna jumps in, & brings Link with her.

Black thingy from earlier: Die!

Another black thingy like the one from earlier: Where's my DS?

BTFE: I don't know!

ABTLTOFE: Die!

They kill each other. Ordona comes out of nowhere.

Ordona: You forgot to go to me! Die!

She charges at Link & Midna, but Link just walks to the side, & she bumps into a tree & dies. Link then goes & sees the Faron Spring.

Link: (Hey! Here's my DS from the other day!)

Voice: I am Faron. Get some tears, and I'll give you a donut. Oh, & the light will return.

Link: (Okay!)

Link sees some twilit parasites. He pulls out a cell phone.

Voice: Yeah?

Link: (It's time.)

Dale Gribble comes out of nowhere, & kills all the bugs. Faron rewards Dale with a donut.

Link: (Hey!)

Link then becomes a human, & gets a new suit. He also gets the weapons from earlier. With the sword, he kills Dale.

Faron: Go to the Forest Temple, or I'll send bad people to your house!

Link: 0.0

Link goes to the area where Talo & the monkey were, which is the Forest Temple's entrance.

Monkey: (Help me save my friends!)

Link: What?

Monkey: (I said help me!)

Link: I don't speak monkey!

The monkey reads a book called, "Speaking English for dummies".

Monkey: Help me! Or else I'll break your DS!

Link: Okay.

They go into the temple, & see another monkey. Link frees it, then plays the monkey grass. 2 more come. He then goes into a room, & the monkeys stay behind. A baboon with a boomerang & big butt comes in.

Ook: (Feel my wrath!)

Link pulls out the bottle he stole from the store, & breaks it on Ook's head. He faints, & Link steals his boomerang.

Boomerang: Give me back!

Link: No way!

He turns on a light.

5th monkey: (The monkey signal! Come, 6-8! The president needs us!)

Soon…

5th: (Hey! You're not the president!)

Link: Silence! And how can I understand you?

They all go into another room, & form a bridge to fill a gap that Link goes across. The monkeys then fall to their deaths. Soon, he's in a room with 2 plants sticking out of the water.

Subtitle: Twilit Parasite, Diababa.

Link: Go away!

Subtitle: Never!

Link:…

(Note: Whatever the subtitle says, would actually appear on the screen.)

Link boomerangs a bombling into each of their mouths. They faint, & come back with an insanely large monster attached to them. Ook slides through the room, on a cord, & throws a bombling at Link.

Link: Ouch!

Ook: (That's for earlier!)

Link catches the next one, & throws it at Ook. Ook falls into the left baba's mouth. The others try to fight for it in a 3-way tug of war. Somehow, they all eat each other. That causes them to explode, leaving a heart container. And a fused shadow. Midna makes a portal.

Link: Crud! I thought you left!

Midna: No way! Now go get the other 2! One's in Eldin.

They teleport back to Faron Spring. Link sees a grave where Coro used to be. He digs up the corpse, & takes a key from its hand. He leaves it, & unlocks a gate. He's in Hyrule Field.

Postman: Yah! You got mail!

Link: Give me that!

Letter:

Dear Santa,

I've been really good this year. Ignore the time I killed everyone in my town & threatened a nation & came through with it, please. I want a bike, another bike, sun block, a third bike, a piñata, karate lessons, a pet snake, another bike, hours pass And a 134515948875047242674057th bike. From, Bob.

Link:… Are you sure this is for me?

Postman: Why yes! You have a pointy hat like Santa! So you must be him! I'd like-

Link walks past him, & sees yet another wall with strange markings. Midna takes him in, & he's a wolf again.

Link: (Crud!)

He goes on, & jumps a gap in which one would need a bridge. He sees a village, & is listening to some people in a house. He sees through his special vision. It's Malo, Talo, Beth, Colin, & 3 freaks!

Renado: You! Blonde! Wash the dishes! You! Kid! Do the laundry! You! Girl! Make my supper! You! Baby! Stand there! You! Luda! Eat your dinner! You! Barnes! Dance!

Barnes: Buts, I's gots to lights the candles!

Luda: But there's bugs.

Renado: EAT YOUR DINNER, YOUNG LADY! OR ELSE I'LL SEND THE ORDONIAN PIRANHAS TO YOUR ROOM! I ALREADY SENT THEM TO YOUR BROTHER, BIG AL!

Luda: I don't have a brother named Big Al!

Renado: Not anymore.

Luda: 0.0

Barnes: We're doomed! For the 3463rd time!

Beth: Waaaaah!

Rabbid: Daaaaah!

Pikachu: Pika!

Renado kills the rabbid & Pikachu. Link then howls near the twilit bug grass. They come, & he kills them, returns to human form, & gets half a donut!

Link: Only half?

Eldin: I got hungry! So sue me!

Link: Okay!

Soon, Link, Eldin, & their lawyers are in a court.

Bailiff: All rise for the honorable judge, Judy!

Everyone in the room: NEVAH!

Judy: Then die!

Judy shoots a laser at Eldin, & he explodes. A donut half lands in Link's lap.

Link: Back to Kakariko!

Soon…

Colin: Link! You're here! Thank the gods! There's a crazy man in there that's working us all to death! Malo almost gave out, with all the standing he was forced to do!

Link: That fiend!

Link kills Renado.

Luda & Barnes & the other kids: Happies!

Barnes: Go get the iron boots from Bo!

Link: No!

Barnes: That's what your brother said!

Link: I don't have a brother!

Barnes: Not anymore!

Link kills Barnes.

Link: EVERYONE I MEET DIES! starts crying 

Kids:…

Link goes to the outhouse, & while that happens, Talo & Beth are playing.

Beth: Tag!

Talo: OH NOES! I'MS ITS!

The bulblins then come back, & Talo runs off. Colin pushes Beth out of the way, & gets taken.

Colin: Darn. Oh well. At least pushing Beth out of the way in slow motion made me look cool!

Link then comes out of the outhouse.

Link: I'm not going back to Dirty Dan's Taco Cabin again, that's for sure!

Malo: (Hmm. Colin's gone. Step 1 of my plan is complete. Heh, heh, heh…)

Epona then comes, & some bulblins are trying to conquer her. But she jumps, & lands on her back, killing the bulblins. Link gets on, & jumps over the fence, & meets King Bulblin in the field.

Link: Aren't you supposed to be riding something?

King: I'm too fat. I need my exercise.

Link pulls out a snack cake, & throws it over the edge of the bridge.

King: Yummerly!

He jumps into the fissure, leaving Colin (tied to the pole still) on the ground. They go back to the village.

Beth: Why are we basically the only characters that haven't died yet?

Talo: You got Colin back! But Malo's staying in the shop. I hear he'll take it over, & start a chain! Now we'll never have to save money again!

Malo (sticking his head out the window): Don't count on it, mortal.

Talo: Aw…

Link goes to Death Mountain.

Goron: Weren't you supposed to get the iron boots & hylian shield?

Link: Too bad!

Link goes past, & meets Gor Coron.

Gor Coron: Wrestle me!

Link burns him with the lantern. He then becomes a pile of ashes.

Link: I didn't know gorons were flammable. What about the time when I was a goron in Majora's Mask?

Goron: Lies! Now take this key shard.

Link enters the goron mines. Gor Amato & Gor Ebizo meet him.

Amato & Ebizo: Take our key shards!

Link takes them, & enters a room with a giant goron covered in metal.

Dangoro: Perish!

He curls up, & rolls towards Link. Link steps to the side, & Dangoro rolls into the lava, killing himself.

Gor Liggs: Nice one! Here's the last shard & the bow & arrows!

Liggs jumps into the lava for no reason, & Link enters Fyrus's room.

Subtitle: Twilit Igniter, Fyrus.

Link: I thought I told you to leave!

Link shoots an arrow at the subtitle, but misses & hits the jewel on Fyrus's head.

Fyrus: OW! YOU IDIOT! HOW COULD YOU HIT ME, WHEN YOU WERE AIMING AT THE SUBTITLE?!

Link: Oh, that's it!

He then pulls Fyrus's chains. Fyrus falls, & Link beats him up. He drops a heart container & a fused shadow, as Midna makes an exit. And Fyrus becomes Darbus.

Darbus: Where am I?

Link: You know too much! Die!

Link kills Darbus, takes the stuff, & is taken back to Eldin Spring.

Midna: Go to Lanayru!

Link: Okay!

Voice: Stop!

Weird music plays, as a strange creature comes.

Ooccoo: You forgot me! Meet me in the next dungeon! BEAM ME UP, SCOTTY!

A tractor beam lifts Ooccoo into a saucer which flies off. Link follows it to the black wall which Midna takes him through. Link is a wolf, yet again!

Link: (I'm tired of being a wolf!)

Link goes & enters Hyrule Castle Town. He enters Telma's bar, & sees Ilia, a fat woman, & an unconscious zora in there.

Ilia: I have amnesia!

Telma: Stop saying that!

Ilia: No!

Telma explodes, but reforms. Link goes, & eventually finds an easy route to Lanayru Spring.

Link: (Aren't I supposed to go through a great deal to get to you?)

Lanayru: Nah, the villain's too lazy. Now go get the bugs!

Link goes & kills most of the bugs through the use of cheat codes that don't really exist. At Lake Hylia, he sees a big, fat bug!

Bloat: I want your soul!

Link pulls out a needle, & pops the bug. He dies, & everything's normal again.

Link: Now to find Ilia, so I can have her arrested for taking my horse a few times!

He goes to Telma's bar. There…

Telma: Link! Ilia has amnesia!

Link: How do you know our names?

Telma: Because I'm one of the gods in disguise!

Link: 0.0 Uh… which one?

Telma: I'LL KILL YOU FOR ASKING! Uh, I mean, we must take these 2 to Kakariko Village!

Soon, they're in a carriage, & Link is on Epona, who came out of nowhere. They see a figure on the bridge, but they can't make it out.

Telma: TO KAKARIKO VILLAGE!

They go, & on the bridge, Link sees King Bulblin. But his bullbo is missing, he's slightly beaten up, one of his horns are broken, he's missing some armor, & he's ripped!

Link: OH MY DIN!

King: I got my exercise! Now I'm immune to snacks!

Link: Are you immune to meals?

King: No.

Link throws some mashed potatoes & gravy, roast, & peas over the edge of the bridge.

King: MINE!

He jumps over the edge. After a nightmarish experience, they're at Kakariko. However, all that's left of the carriage is a wheel, which Telma is standing on. She's holding Ilia & the zora. Link is seen dragging a horse skeleton with him. There, he sees a zora ghost.

Ghost: I'm Rutella! Don't tell the ghost busters or Luigi that I'm here. Here's the Zora Armor!

Link automatically puts it on.

Link: I look like some kind of fish-ninja thing! And I can breath underwater! Cool!

Rutella: But you're weaker against ice & fire attacks, now.

Link: How dare you?! Luigi!

Luigi comes back, & sucks her up. After leaving, Link steals the bombs from Barnes's abandoned shop, & the Hawkeye from Malo Mart.

Piece of paper attached to Hawkeye: You stole it! You are smart! You stole it from Malo Mart!

Link: A talking paper? Cool!

POPATH:…

Link goes to Lake Hylia, & enters the Lakebed Temple. Inside, he meets a bloated deku toad. He's fighting Ooccoo.

Ooccoo: Take this! Fire Breath!

She breathes fire, burning the toad.

Ooccoo: Now for his treasure!

Text box: You got the Clawshot! Now you can do things as if it were a Hookshot!

Link: Mine!

Link drowns Ooccoo & takes the Clawshot.

Text box: You got the Clawshot! Now you can do things as if it were a Hookshot!

Link then enters the next room, & sees a mouth with tentacles sticking out of the ground.

Subtitle: Twilit Aquatic, Morpheel. Nah, nah! I'm still here!

Link clawshots the eye (missing the subtitle again), & inserts a water bomb into the pupil. The eye explodes. Morpheel then reveals itself to be a giant creature. But its weak point is gone, so it explodes. It drops a heart container, fused shadow, & a wallet. Link takes it all (but left the wallet, 'cuz it's empty) & left, via Midna portal. Back at Lanayru Spring…

Link: There! I got your fused shadows, so can I go home, now?

Midna: Whatever.

Midna leaves, & Zant appears.

Zant: I shall kill you!

Link: Why?

Zant: Uh… Well… Because the voices in my head told me to?

Link: What voices?

Zant: Silence, nonbeliever!

Link:…

Zant turns Link into a wolf. Midna comes, wearing some fused shadows.

Zant: Hey! Those are too ancient!

Midna: Oh.

Zant hypnotizes Lanayru into using light on Midna, causing her to become photo-negative. Lanayru then regains control, & teleports them to the field.

Midna: If you don't go to Zelda to save me & become human, I'll…

Link: (You'll what?)

Midna:…

Link: (Fine, but I'll only go to become a human again!)

Link goes to Hyrule Castle, & kills all the guards he sees. Soon, he's at Zelda's room.

Zelda: I'll save you, Midna!

Link: (Don't save her! Save me!)

She saves Midna.

Zelda: Sorry, but since I saved Midna, you'll have to return to human form another way. You have to get the Master Sword!

Link: (Again?!)

Midna: I'm alive!

Link: (NOOO!!!)

Zelda (disappearing): Go to a sacred grove in Faron Woods…

Midna: Go, mortal!

Link: (I WISH THAT FAT, BUT NOW RIPPED GUY NEVER ENTERED MY LIFE!)

They are outside the castle, when an eerie force field surrounds the castle. They eventually reach the Sacred Grove in Faron Woods. There, they meet the Skull Kid.

Skull kid: I'll lead you to the grove, via an intensely frustrating game!

Link: (How about you just tell me? I'll eat you if you don't!)

Midna: He accepts!

Link: (…)

178340387430847 tries later…

Skull kid: That was fun! Let's do it again, someday!

Link: (NO! NEVER!)

Midna: Okay!

Link: (I hate you!)

Midna: I know.

Link: (…)

He soon reaches an area with 2 statues. Then, the ground becomes platforms!

Statues: Try to get us each to our platforms, via a challenging game. That, or we'll just let you pass.

Link (I'll do the second one.)

Midna: He'll do the first one!

Link: (NOOOO!!!!!)

17058094709818945837540895181037549708459040749845940851859489581958694806537685703 tries later…

Link: panting (I'm completely dead inside.)

Statues: Well done.

The area is back to normal. Link enters, & takes the Master Sword. He becomes a human again!

Link: Hoorah!

Midna: Now you can turn into a wolf at will!

Link: No!

Midna: Go to Gerudo Desert!

Link: Will I get a raise to my original pay?

Midna (lying): Yes.

Link: Then let's go!

He goes back to Lake Hylia.

Fyer: Use my cannon! You can go to Falbi's Flight-By-Fowl!

Link: Take me to Gerudo Desert.

Fyer: I'm sure you'd rather go to my brother.

Link: If your brother is the desert, then yes.

Fyer: I'm never going to let you go to the desert. Not after what happened to my brother…

Flashback!

_Fyer & Falbi are in the desert._

_Falbi: I like visiting the desert!_

_Fyer: Me too!_

_A bulblin runs by, taking Falbi's (empty) wallet._

_Both: NOOO!!!_

End Flashback! Link: sniff I'm sorry. I DIDN'T KNOW! loudly sobs 

Midna:… So, can we use the cannon, or what?

Fyer: Okay.

He stuffs them into a cannon, & shoots them out to a fortress in front of the Arbiter's Grounds.

King Bulblin: You again!

Link: Me again! Now to- FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS DECENT, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR LEGS?!

King: Ah, you noticed. When I jumped over the bridge, last we met, my lower half accidentally went through a helicopter's spinning blades. I lost my legs, & replaced it with robot legs.

Link: sniff I'm sorry. I DIDN'T KNOW! loudly sobs 

30 minutes later…

Link: Now, do you still have any food weaknesses?

King: Nope.

Link: Drink weaknesses?

King: Yes, why?

Link throws a soda can (that's empty, unknown to the king) all the way back to the lake in Ordon Village. The king uses his new rocket legs to fly there, & he gets eaten by the piranhas.

Link: Now to enter the Arbiter's grounds!

Link enters. Inside…

Ooccoo: I'm back!

Link: I thought I drowned you!

Ooccoo: I CAN swim, you know.

Link: Oh.

Text box: You reunited with Ooccoo! She can teleport you with the help of her son, Ooccoo Jr.!

4 poes appear.

Link: Can I help you?

Poes: You must kill us all to continue.

Link pulls out the clawshot, then uses it to pull the souls out of the poes. They die, & Link continues.

Deathsword: You will never defeat me! I'm invisible to the human eye!

Link pulls out the lens of truth.

Midna: That's not in this game!

She destroys it, then turns Link into a wolf.

Link: (Curse you! Wait! My wolfey senses are tingling!)

He activates his senses, & sees Deathsword flying around. After clawing him to (near) death, he becomes visible. Link manages to turn back, & uses Deathsword's sword to kill Deathsword. Link then takes the Spinner!

Link: Ooh! The Hylian equivalent of a skateboard! I think.

He goes around the whole prison, spinning on tracks & such, until he reaches a room with a huge skeleton in the middle. Zant is on the skeleton's head.

Zant: You're alive?! No matter. REVIVEZORZ!

Suddenly, the skeleton comes to life, & Zant disappears.

Subtitle: Twilit Fossil, Stall-

Link runs over the subtitle with the spinner.

Link: Ha, ha!

Link goes around the arena's edges. As that happens, he pulls out something shiny.

Stallord: Ooh! Shiny!

Now that Stallord's interested, he keeps watching Link go around the arena. Eventually, he gets dizzy, & throws up into a giant bucket. As he does this, Link destroys his body, save for his skull. Then, he's at the bottom of the room with a large platform in the center.

Stallord: How dare you?! I'll meet you towards the top!

Link gets on the spinner, & goes along the edge of the middle platform. Stallord soon appears, shooting fireballs out of his mouth. Suddenly, the subtitle leaps towards Link to get revenge for getting run over. But Link jumps to the other side, & the subtitle accidentally attacks Stallord. Stallord shatters, & the subtitle falls to the ground. Link gets to the top & gets the heart container that somehow got there, then goes outside to the mirror chamber.

Twilit messengers: Hi!

Link: Did I just hear your moms calling for you, at the bottom of this prison?

Twilit messenger #5: Oh noes! I forgots to go to my Mom's wedding!

Twilit messenger #3: Me too!

They all jump off, & Link uses the spinner to reveal a broken mirror & a giant rock.

Midna: AH! ZANT FRAGMENTED THE MIRROR OF TWILIGHT! NOW WE MUST PUT IT BACK TOGETHER!

Link: We?! I do all the work!

Midna: Shush!

Sages: We want to show off our flashback powers!

Link: Who are-

Sages: Shush!

Flashback! Again!

Ganondorf is in front of the big rock, & the sages (with one more than there are now) are there.

Sage #1: Ganondorf Much Richard McDonald Flippityflap Shrowserbert Nac-nac Mushroom Music-Egg Powahman Dragmire the 19th, you are charged with… lots of things. You have the death sentence.

Ganondorf: But that's illegal everywhere but the in Eldin Province!

Sage #2: He knows too much! Kill him!

Sage #1 throws a sword at him, but Ganondorf uses the force to aim it back at Sage #1, killing said sage.

Sage #1: Tell my wife I love her…… taste in living room decorations.

Other sages: Don't tell us what to do!

Sage #2: Hey! This makes me the new head sage! Awesome! I should've had Sage #1 killed a long time ago!

Ganondorf flees into the Twilight Realm.

End Flashback! Again!

Link: thinking Hmm. I have to see if that dead sage's wife can redecorate my living room. out loud Well, that's too bad- What?! Ganon's in this story?! Again?! How come he hasn't appeared, yet?!

Sage #3: Because he can!

Link: … So I take it that I must collect the other 3 shards to fix the mirror, go into the Twilight Realm, & kill Ganon?

Sage #2: Pretty much.

Sage #4: Go to Snowpeak. Now.

Link jumps off the top, & lands in a nearby river, which takes him to Zoras' Domain.

Prince Ralis: Go through that hall to get to Snowpeak?

Link: How'd you get here? How'd you know about my mission? And why'd you say that like a question?

Prince Ralis: I don't know? Do you know.

Random zora: He has punctuation issues. Just go on.

Link does, & soon sees a snowy mountain. He goes to the top, & meets Yeto.

Yeto: Yo, L-dog! Go to my crib, yo! It's ghetto! Now let's go to da 'hood, yo!

Link:…

Yeto & Link get on a sled, & slide down to get to Yeto's abode. Then they enter.

Yeto: YETA! WE'RE BACK IN DA 'HOOD, YO!

Yeta: HAPPIES!

Yeto: Yo, L-dog! Try my simple soup, fo' rizzle!

Link: Cut it out!

Link takes the simple soup, & drinks it.

Link: Mmm! Tangy!

Suddenly, Link's belly rumbles. He goes to a trashcan, & throws up.

Link: Needs work. I'm gonna go find the bedroom key to get into your bedroom, which is where the shard is. … I wonder how I know that.

Link goes to find the key, but instead gets stuck in the prison.

Link: These guys have a prison?

Suddenly, a giant dinosaur thing in armor carrying a big ball on a chain comes, & severely beats up Link.

Link: (This guy's tough.) Look! A distraction!

Darkhammer: Where?!

Link takes his weapon, & kills Darkhammer with it.

Link: Sweet! Now I can keep his Ball N' Chain!

After going on a rampage & killing spree with his new, powerful weapon, Link eventually comes back to Yeto.

Yeto: Yo! I see you got our tenant's weapon, yo! Fo' rizzle!

Link: I said stop- Darkhammer was your tenant?

Yeto: Yeah, foo'!

Link:…

Yeto: Try my Superb Soup, yo!

Link drinks it, & then breaks out.

Yeto: Yoyoyo, you must have an allergic reaction, yo!

Link crushes Yeto with the Ball N' Chain, & goes to get the bedroom key again. He does, & eventually finds his way to the bedroom.

Yeta: How'd you get here, first?

Link: That's not important.

Yeta's face suddenly becomes monstrous.

Yeta: NO TAKE MIRROR!

Link: That reminds me, why have you guys been speaking normally? I mean Yeto's rapping wasn't right, but still.

Yeta suddenly becomes incased within a giant iceberg.

Subtitle: Twilit Ice Mass: B-

Link crushes the subtitle with the Ball N' Chain.

Link: Okay! Now what?

Midna (whispering): Save the yeti. Save the world.

Link: What?

Midna: Uh, nothing!

Link: Right.

Link pulls out his lantern, & melts the ice. Then he kills Blizetta, which also kills Yeta. Link then takes the shard & heart container, & leaves. Back in Hyrule Field…

Link: Where to?

Midna: The sacred grove!

Link: Oh no! Not there! Anywhere but there!

Midna eventually drags Link there, & he meets Rusl near the entrance to the Forest Temple.

Rusl: Here. The golden cucco will help… Oh wait, I melted it down into a golden toilet seat!

Link: You melted a gold-feathered chicken into a gold-colored toilet seat?

Rusl: Yep!

Link: 0.0

Rusl grabs Link, & tosses him all the way to the Sacred Grove, where they meet the Skull Kid.

Skull kid: I'll lead you to the grove, via an intensely frustrating game!

Link: How about you just tell me? I'll kill you if you don't!

Midna: He accepts!

Link: NO I DON'T!

Midna: HE LIES!

178340387430847 tries later…

Skull kid: That was fun! Let's do it again, someday!

Link: NO! NEVER!

Midna: Okay!

Link: I hate you!

Midna: I know.

Link: …

They then go back to the area where the Master Sword was. He puts the sword back for a second, & a door nearby opens. Link goes through, & enters the grove of lots of years ago. It's still a building, then! Link enters a window, & enters the Temple of Time!

Ooccoo: Hi!

Ooccoo Jr.: Hi!

Link: Ignoring you.

Link then goes, & finds an elevator.

Link: Ooh!

Link goes in, & presses the highest button. He appears in the Darknut's chamber!

Darknut: I will kill you!

Link: Have you ever took some time to think about the ocean?

Darknut: Hmm?

Link: Ever wondered how all that WATER got there? I compare this with Lake Hylia. Hey! I'm thirsty! I could go for some WATER right now. That reminds me, I heard that there'd be a flash FLOOD on Wednesday. WELL? Aren't you going to kill me? WATER you waiting for?

Darknut: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I MUST GO TO THE BATHROOM!

The darknut removes his armor to go to the bathroom, but then Link attacks, & kills the Darknut. Link then takes the Dominion Rod!

Text box: Now you can control statues!

Link: Lame.

Link then goes back to the elevator, & goes to the door with a missing statue.

Midna: But you need the statue to continue!

Link: Fine!

Link goes back to the top, and activates the statue.

Statue: I'm alive!

Link: Good for you. Now follow me.

They go into the elevator. Back at the door, Link puts the statue on the place it goes, & the door opens. Link goes through a crumbling corridor, & reaching Armagohma's chamber.

Subtitle: Twilit Arachnid: Armagohma.

Link: I will k-

Armagohma: MEGATON LASER!!

Armagohma shoots a giant laser at Link, harming him.

Link: Wait! I have a better idea!

Link goes back outside, & leave the temple, & returns to the present day. He goes to where the Master Sword was. He then goes back to Armagohma's lair, & finds a really old Armagohma.

Link: Aha! Remember me?

Armagohma: What? Is that you, Charlotte? Did you invite that fly into your parlor like you said? Or climb that water spout?

Link: No! It's me! Link! The guy you almost killed with that laser, a bunch of years ago.

Armagohma: What? Is that you, Fred? I don't care what I said, I'll take you back! I love you!

Link: … Forget it. Anyway, you almost killed me a long time ago, & I'm going to kill you while you're old & weak.

Link walks up to Armagohma, & touches her. She turns into a sentient pile of dust, takes her heart container, & the mirror shard.

Link: One more to go!

Link then leaves the Sacred Grove.

Midna: Try to restore Ilia's memory.

Link: Why?

Midna (lying): You'll get a bonus.

Link: Okay! I'm going to be rich!

Link then goes to Kakriko.

Link: Hi, Ilia.

Ilia: That's my name?

Link: Yes. I'm Link.

Ilia: That's your name?

Link:… Right, I'll just give you this statue I found on the way. Here you go.

Text box: You got the Wooden Statue! sarcastically Woopidee-doo.

Darbus: Let's go to the Hidden Village!

Link: What hidden village?

Darbus: The hidden one!

Link: Which would be… where?

Darbus: A hidden location!

Link:…

Darbus grabs Link, & they go to the Hidden Village.

Darbus: Now kill all the bulblins.

Link: What about you?

Darbus: Nah, I don't feel like it.

Link:… HEY! DIDN'T I KILL YOU, SHORTLY AFTER SAVING YOU FROM BEING FYRUS?!

Darbus: Uh… No?

Link: Okay.

Darbus: (That was close.)

Link plants bombs around the village, & runs off. The whole town explodes, leaving only a crater.

Link: Oh wait. Weren't Darbus & Impaz still there? Oh well. Hey!

Link goes down into the crater, & finds Ilia's Charm. Back at Kakariko…

Gor Coron: What happened to Darbus?

Link: He died. Again… DIDN'T I BURN YOU?!

Gor Coron: I was faking.

Link: You faked being a pile of ashes?

Gor Coron: Uh… yes.

Link smacks Gor Coron to death with the useless Dominion Rod.

Link: Useless?

Why yes! When you left the past, the rod became too old.

Link: Lame.

Ilia: Hey! I remember! You're Link! And that's the Horse Call I made!

Link: Too late. Epona died when I was escorting you here.

Gor Ebizo: Hey! Me & the kids are the only other ones alive! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Link throws the Horse Call into Gor Ebizo's mouth as he cheers. The Horse Call gets stuck, & Ebizo chokes to death.

Shad: Hi! Go find the Sky Book characters to restore the Dominion Rod!

Link: Nah. I can do without.

Shad: Then how will you move the statue to get to the Sky Cannon to get to the City in the Sky to get the last shard?

Link: I have an idea.

Link then plants a bomb next to the statue. Everyone then flees the village, & the bomb explodes. All that's left of Kakariko is a crater.

Everyone:…

Midna: Way to go. You just destroyed two villages in one day.

Link: Shut up.

They approach the crater, & find the Sky Cannon.

Shad: Well, at least the cannon is still intact.

Ilia: Wait a minute… Wasn't Renado's child, Luda in the outhouse while the town exploded?

Everyone: 0.0

Link then looks, & sees a destroyed outhouse door in the crater, he removes it to reveal Luda's corpse.

Link: Oh well, we can't do anything about it, now. To the heavens!

Midna warps the cannon to Lake Hylia, & crushes Fyer. When they get there…

Link: Great! You crushed Fyer! How will we get there, now?

Midna: Read this.

Link: "Repairing & making Sky Cannons useable for dummies"? I'll give it a shot.

2 hours later…

Link: Okay. Now how do I get in?

He then sees a Clawshot Plate in the back. Link clawshots it, & is taken into the cannon, & it shoots him to the heavens. Oh, & Ooccoo & her son hopped into the cannon at the last second. In the sky…

Ooccoo: I'm home!

Link: sarcastically Woopidee-doo.

Ooccoo: Silence!

Link: Wait! I have an idea!

Link grabs Oocco, & tosses her over the edge. But she just flies back up.

Ooccoo: Not only can I swim, but amazingly, I can fly.

Link: Then I can just do this.

Link knocks her out with the useless Dominion Rod, & then tosses her over the edge.

Ooccoo Jr.: What did you do to Mama?

Link quickly shoots an arrow at Ooccoo Jr., killing him. So he looks like a tiny head with an arrow going through it. That's funny. Anyway, Link soon finds an aeralfos.

Aeralfos: I will murder you in your sleep!

Link: Nuh-uh.

Aeralfos: I am going to break your neck, whenever you least expect it.

Link then throws a bomb at the aeralfos. The beast dies, & drops a second Clawshot.

Link: Another?

Text box: You got another Clawshot! Now you can do things as if it were a Hookshot! And you can get around, a lot easier.

Link: Whatever.

Link then Double Clawshots his way around, until he reaches the top. Argorok then arrives.

Subtitle: Twilit Dragon: Argorok. Ha, ha!

Link quickly picks up the subtitle, & throws it at Argorok, knocking him out. When he lands, Link then rips his wings off, & pushes him over the edge. A shard & heart container appear out of nowhere, & Link grabs it. They leave through a Midna portal that for some reason hasn't been utilized since the Lakebed Temple. Back at Lake Hylia…

Midna: Hey look! A shark is eating Ooccoo & Argorok!

Link: I didn't know there were sharks in there.

Midna: You didn't know there were piranhas in the lake in your village, either.

Link: Good point.

Midna: Back to the Mirror Chamber!

One warp later…

Midna: Okay! The mirror is put back together, & now we can enter the Twilight Palace!

Sages: Hello, Twilight Princess.

Link: Whubba?

Midna: You see, I am the princess of my land, & Zant took over when I was chosen to be queen.

Link: Huh? Sorry, I was staring at the clouds. That one looks like King Bulblin before he got robot legs & became ripped.

Midna pushes Link into the portal that Ganondorf went into, & she follows.

Link: Hey! Creepy black & white things that kind of resemble Midna, only taller, male-looking, with no hair, no helmet thing, & they don't float, & they look really creepy.

Midna: Those are my people.

Link: That'd explain why they smell so bad.

Midna: WHAT?!

Link: You heard me. So what should I do, now?

Midna: Get the Sols onto the little areas there.

Link: Okay.

Link goes into one of the areas, & finds a hand holding onto a ball of light.

Midna: That's it!

Phantom Zant appears! But then so does Luigi! Luigi sucks him up, & goes back to his universe. Link takes the Sol, & the hand animates!

Zant Hand: I can go through solid objects, & I won't stop until I get the Sol!

Link: You want the Sol? Go get it!

Link throws the Sol out the window, & the hand goes to get it, but lands in the spike pit that is just outside the window for some inexplicable reason. Then it's revealed that Link threw a fake Sol, & he puts it on the plateau where he came in. He then goes into the other building, & finds another hand holding onto another Sol.

Link: Wait, isn't Phantom Zant supposed to come?

He got sucked up.

Link: Oh.

Link then takes the Sol from the hand. The hand does nothing.

Link: Hello?

Hand: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…

Link: Sweet!

Link puts the second Sol where it goes, & his sword glows.

Link: Sweet. Look at my shining blade of salvation.

Link then enters the main building, & kills all the enemies in sight. After a killing spree, he makes it to Zant's throne room.

Zant: Hi!

Link: Okay, let's get this over with

Subtitle: Usurper King: Zant.

Zant teleports them to Diababa's room.

Link: Now what?

Zant floats over the water, shooting at Link. Link uses his boomerang, & Zant falls into the poisoned water, & the piranhas chew on him. Zant then teleports them to Dangoro's arena (& the piranhas are still chewing on him).

Zant: Take this!

He starts jumping around, shaking the arena. 5 hours later…

Zant (panting): I'm tired.

Link: You do know the piranhas are still chewing on you, right?

Zant: No, why?

Link pushes him into the lava. Zant comes back out, burnt & with fish skeletons attached to him. He changes this back to Morpheel's room. A giant Zant helmet rises out of the ground. When it opens, Zant is exposed.

Zant: D'oh! That wasn't supposed to open!

Link drags him in with one of his clawshots, & beats up Zant. Zant then changes the scene to Ook's room. Zant then hops from pillar to pillar.

Link: What are you trying to do?

Zant: … I don't know.

Link then shoots arrows at Zant. He changes the scene again to Blizetta's room, & is a giant. Link then smacks Zant's ankles with the Ball N' Chain.

Zant: OOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He shrinks.

Link: You make no sense.

Link hits him again, & Zant takes them to an arena in front of the sealed Hyrule Castle.

Zant: Now for a sword duel. PREPARE TO DI-

Link chops Zant's head off.

You: 0.0

Back in the throne room…

Midna: Wait! Zant will still survive as long as his god survives! His name is Ganondorf. He's at Hyrule Castle.

Link: Lame.

Link & Midna leave the realm. They eventually reach the door to Hyrule Castle. There, Midna puts all the Fused Shadows together the right way, & becomes a big blob-spider thing. With her power, she destroys the barrier.

Link: Okay! Now what?

Midna (back to normal): What do you think?

Link enters & sees a robot! He's all robotic, & a giant, water-filled tube with a brain in it is at the top. And it has a little speaker box attached to the brain.

Link: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Robot: Yes! This is what becomes of those who survive the Ordon Piranhas. I have no stomach, thus no weakness for food or water. And I even lost my voice, having to rely on this speaker box.

Link: You're King Bulblin?

Robot: Yes.

Link: 0.0

King Bulblin: I will kill you with my lasers, now!

Nothing happens.

King Bulblin: Oh yeah. I never had those equipped. Attack!

Moblins, miniblins, blue bokoblins, red bokoblins, & all manner of bulblins come out.

Link: Hey! There are no moblins or miniblins in this game!

Just then, the moblins & miniblins explode.

Link: That gives me an idea! Wait here.

Link quickly runs around the castle walls, planting bombs. He goes miles away, & there's a big explosion. All that's left of Hyrule Castle & Hyrule Castle Town is a crater. Link walks up to it, & sees King Bulblin's brain lying around, still attached to the speaker box.

King Bulblin: Kill me!

Link: Okay!

Link stabs the brain with his sword, killing it. Then, Ganondorf rises out of the rubble.

Ganondorf: IDIOT!

Link: You again?!

Ganondorf: You again?!

Zelda: Hi!

Ganondorf quickly possesses Zelda.

The subtitle then rises out of the rubble.

Subtitle: Ganondorf's Puppet: Zelda.

Link then shoots many bomb arrows at Zelda, causing Ganondorf to come out.

Ganondorf: Ouch. How about this?!

Ganondorf becomes a beast.

Subtitle: Dark Beast: Ganon.

Link: Uh… roll over?

Ganon rolls over.

Link: Now play dead.

Ganon closes his eyes, & lets his tongue hang out. Link then down stabs the scar on his chest.

Midna: Okay, I'll take it from here.

Midna takes Link & Zelda a few miles away, & they see a big explosion.

Zelda: What happened?

Link: I dunno.

Ganondorf then appears on a horse of his, riding towards Link & Zelda with his own gang on their own horses! And Ganondorf his holding Midna's helmet by one of the things sticking out. The thing crumbles, & the rest of the helmet falls to the ground.

Subtitle (who somehow appeared): Dark Rider: Ganondorf.

Zelda: Oh no! He killed Midna!

Link: Happies! He killed Midna!

Zelda: Oh, Light Spirits! Please give us help!

Two light arrows land in Zelda's hand.

Zelda: Only two?

Faron: Well, Ordona died by running into a tree. And Judge Judy killed Eldin. So Lanayru & I are the only ones left.

Lanayru (offscreen): Hey! A bomb! I wonder if it works. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Faron: Uh, I mean I'm the only one left.

One of the arrows disappear.

Faron: See ya.

Faron disappears.

Zelda: Okay, I'll need your bow, & we'll have to ride your horse.

Link: My horse died.

Zelda: Then give me your bow!

Zelda steals his bow, & shoots a light arrow at Ganondorf… and misses.

Link: HOW COULD YOU MISS?!

The arrow bounces off a castle tower in the crater, & bounces back, hitting Ganondorf's back. He falls off, & the horse (& army) go into a fissure for no good reason. However, Ganondorf gets back up.

Ganondorf: Ow… So, wanna have a 1-on-1 sword duel?

Link: Hm. I don't see why not.

Subtitle: Dark Lord: Ganondorf.

A barrier appears around Link, Ganondorf, & Subtitle. Oh, & Link finally kills Subtitle.

Link: Hey! Is that the Triforce?

Ganondorf: Where?!

Link chops Ganondorf's head off.

You: 0.0

Zelda: 0.0

Ganondorf explodes, & the barrier fades. Suddenly, a tall, humanoid lady with Midna's color scheme shows up.

Lady: Hi! I'm Midna in my true form!

Link: Wow! Can I marry you?

Midna: No, you didn't like me the whole adventure. So I'm leaving. Oh, & I lied. You were never going to get paid. See ya!

Midna runs off to get to the mirror to go back to her realm forever.

Link: Were you in on it?!

Zelda: A little.

Link pushes Zelda into the fissure that Ganondorf's horse & army fell into. Oh, & she falls through helicopter blades!

Link: My work here is done!

The End.


End file.
